New Science of Love: How Understanding Your Brains Wiring Can Help Rekindle Your Relationship

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Report Block. Thanks TC! Looking at the questions, they seem targeted logically enough at somethings whose life experiences are quite limited. Share a terrible memory? Feb 15, Sign in. Forgot Password Registration. What do you think about this particular story?

Your message to the editors. And is it possible for us to fall in love again? My girlfriend and I have been together for what would be 5 years next month.

I know I love her with every ounce of my being, but throughout the relationship, I managed to abuse her physically and mentally. I justified it for so long as it being her fault for making me that mad.

Love Sense: The Revolutionary New Science of Romantic Relationships

I guess it was normal for me having grown up with my father constantly abusing my mother. June of , I had taken the physical abuse pretty far and had hurt her fairly bad. My mind immediately snapped to a point where everything was plain to see and I decided to go to anger management. She moved out with her sister and from being traumatized, fell immediately out of love with me.

Her feelings came back soon after and she moved back in with me, however there were a few situations, not outright physical abuse, but still hurtful things that had happened. This began to break her down into depression and now, about a year later, she tells me she no longer has any feeling for me.

My continued sub conscience acts of control had pushed her further and further away, coupled with my own depression about where I was in life with my career. Right before she told me of her lack of feelings, I began taking an active approach in things like my career and relationship, after all, my life is in my control, but it was too little too late.

She made her share of mistakes like hiding conversations with exes and not wanting to be close in front of exes, but I know at this point that she has always had issues with anxiety and that nothing shady was going on. I also know that none of it justified my actions. My questions are these, can she fall back in love with me? After about 3 years of physical and mental abuse, can she love me again? Can the spark of my kiss be there again? Can she feel that beautiful sensation when I touch her skin?

I know that I will never stop loving her and in my mind, love is absolute. It can be broken, it can be buried, but it never goes away. I truly am sorry for the way I treated her and I never want to hurt get like that again. I want to give get as much of the world as I can and give her a life worth living. For myself as well, but for her? Hi Thomas, The way I work with people in therapy who have had abusive relationships you can see my book on this — go to my website for more is to help re-wire our brains so that the trauma that caused the anger in the first place is completely healed. That goes for both parties.

When your ex- sees you as completely changed and she, too, is stronger and healed, then there are possibilities. I am glad I came across this thread because I am having trouble fully trusting my boyfriend again. He would flirt with other women in front of me and constantly made sexual comments about other women both to me and in front of me.

All friends and family who I discussed this with thought I should leave him but no one but him and I could understand that we had such a deep connection despite his actions. I told him how hurt I was and that he violated my building trust for him, shattered it actually.

Creating love in the lab: The 36 questions that spark intimacy

Ever since then there has continued to be significant improvement in him so I gave him another chance. We are very much in love now, 2 years later, and I do have trust in him but I feel it never fully built up because he shattered it during the most fragile stage. I still cry from time to time over the pain he has caused and I know he feels awful about it. How do I overcome it and trust fully? Hi Marie, He has to understand himself better.

Why did he do what he did? Was he afraid to show how committed he was to you? Is this a bad habit he picked up from going with the wrong friends? Before you have complete trust, he will be able to explain why he used to do it and why looking at other women means zero to him now.

And he will want to share that with you of his own accord, not just when you ask. My boyfriend and I met 2 years ago, I fell for him first sight. It took him a little longer but a couple of months later we were together. He left for italy 1 month after getting together and we talked for 6 months. Everything was perfect, we had the same goals, the same visions on life, but we did have completely different interests. I would feel guilty when i let him wait outside while shopping so I stopped enjoying that as well. Not once has he made any complaints about waiting or me going on about my interests.

He was my perfect first boyfriend and I needed to be the perfect girlfriend. That I had some huge disappointments to get through school fails, dream fails, health fails and 6 months ago I was kissing him and was distracted. Not because of him, his personality or anything. I just want to be free of the anxiety my head believes is caused by him. I have self pity, am depressed, am disappointed in myself for being such a horrible person for not loving this amazing man anymore. I want to fall back in love but it will never be innocent again.

How do I let go of fear and love again… Innocently?


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Feeling not in love, feeling pain, feeling sorry for myself and not seeing him for who he truly is. Depression and anxiety has deformed him to a stranger. Hi Pauline, I am thinking there is more going on than you are aware of. Could it be that some message in the back of your mind says you are not entitled to happiness?

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I think it would be helpful to talk to a therapist who can ask you broad questions about your life, your family, your history. But when we got into a fight, out of nowhere I told him that I lied to him. It was wrong lying to him in the first place and I regret it. I need help ; seriously. Stephany I think that what you are saying is in some way like what Pauline was saying and my answer will be the same: For some reason, you feel insecure and feel the need to lie.

I am trying my absolute best to save my relationship. I was in a very dark place about the pregnancy, but I also know that was only an excuse after a while. As relieved as I was, I hated how it ended. My husband and I have been together for two years and 6 months. When we got together everything was really good. Then a month later his grandfather died and he was really close with him. I was there for him through everything. Well in July I found naked pictures on his phone and went through his Facebook account and found messages to an ex asking if she wanted to have sex.

He of course made lies saying they saved on his phone and that his friend Rick had sent the message. Well then in June or July I went on his yahoo account and there were emails on there off of craigslist personals between him and other woman in He was sexted other woman for 7 to 9 months. He told her he missed the good times. He gets defensive and aggravated at me. But can a cheater really change? How can I move past this? I still say he has feelings for his ex and wants her.

Wired for Love by Stan Tatkin | Attachment Theory | Infants

How can I get him to open up? Do you think he could possible be cheating? I really could use your help please. And around the time he was sexting, my grandfather was in the hospital and he died. I needed him but he was preoccupied with the other woman and his ex. I slowly over come it but it comes back now and then.


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My partner is my stone. She makes me feel strong and proud of myself and does nothing but give me compliments because I do have low self esteem. I consider her my life partner and we both cannot imagine a future together.